Roll the Dice

Where are you?

How did you get there?

Who are the people that make you feel less alone in this world?

Relationships and ideas - all the things that had appeared to be so concrete in my life suddenly gained a strange sense of fluidity upon traveling north. The past three months have proven to be more difficult and magical than I could have ever imaged and as the snow gives way to green there is a newfound strength coursing through my body. Rather than money, I wish for experience. Above status, give me wonder. More than physical beauty, I want to live beautifully.

When I first arrived here I feared the darkness because I did not yet understand it. When I settled into the silence I covered it with music because I did not yet know how to listen. Nature’s immensity had always been something to admire from the window of a train. Now, as sap clings to the sleeves of my clothing and moss lies in the cracks of my cabin I feel certain in where I am. The past few years have taught me to move but Alaska has reminded me how to stay. What a lucky girl; one small bed to lie in, a chair for thinking, a desk to write upon, a stove with a door just large enough to allow the flame’s glimmer to dance across the floor and a half gallon bottle to allow sunset to paint light upon the ceiling.

On the plane that carried me North I read Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski from the pages of my journal and I pictured my life in a small cabin in the woods. At this time I did not know how true those words would ring in such a short time. The poem, it goes like this:

If you’re going to try, go all the way. otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the way. this could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs and maybe your mind.

go all the way. it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days. it could mean freezing on a park bench. it could mean jail, it could mean derision, mockery, isolation. isolation is the gift, all others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. and you’ll do it despite rejection and the worst odds and it will be better than anything else you can imagine.

if you’re going to try, go all the way. there is no other feeling like that. you will be alone with the gods and the nights will flame with fire.

do it, do it, do it. do it.

all the way. all the way.

you will ride life straight to perfect laughter, it's the only good fight there is.

Charles Bukowski

Now, when I wake, I wake alone. Along with the morning light and bird’s song there is my heart and it’s beat. Before coffee or books I lie and I listen and sure enough, there it is within. With each pulse I feel it stubborn and strong,

“Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.”

#alaska #mccarthy #wrangells